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Tuesday, February 6, 2018

A JOHN JUGHEAD PUNK ROCK DRESS CODE

A JOHN JUGHEAD PUNK ROCK DRESS CODE
(Dos and Don’ts thought lost but eventually found in a crusty box buried in the ashes of the headquarters of Panic Button Records)

Listen kids if you are looking to be a star pupil of punk rock and not an outcast amongst the members of your own scene, do not do as I have done, but as I tell you.

1. Do not wear baseball caps, especially ones turned backwards, and adorned with the horns of an imaginary dragon. And under no circumstances wear a derby or a fedora.

2. Do not wear baggy shorts with little marvin the martian prints, or anything other than tighty-whiteys, unless you want other punks who have never really intellectually graduated from high school to give you an atomic wedgie, even when you are all 50 years old.

3. Do not cary a backpack, even if you are the accountant for the band and it’s the easiest way to keep the money with you without looking obvious, like carrying around a cash box.

4. Do not, not, have a leather jacket, especially for special occasions when your band covers the Ramones first record and you need one for a photo. If you don’t wear one like ALL THE TIME then you’ll have to scramble in a panic digging your only leather jacket you have ever owned out of your closet, and then you’ll have to remove the Bennetton sticker and Jethro Tull and Kajagoogoo buttons from your lapel, and then as the picture is being taken, you’ll have to then realize this piece of cloth that feels unnatural on your body is not even really made from leather.

5. If you wear a dead man’s black dress shoes from a thrift store that you bought for a buck twenty-five, which make you resemble a Charlie Chaplin-like tramp, even if they remind you of your father who has died and you miss, then you are not going to fit in to this narrow box that we like to call punk rock. Instead wear Converse Chuck Taylor All Stars. These preferred shoes have no arch support and smell like a dead rat when they get wet. But what's more important, how you look or how you feel?

6. You MUST own a pair of jeans, you can wear them all the time and never clean them, they become like paint on your body. Other punks love that. And if your are a man who doesn’t want to have active sperm, that’s great too, because the constant heat and rubbing of the tight jeans kills them little guys dead. And definitely don’t ever wear dress, plaid, or striped pants, especially ones that your socks are tucked into, because… that’s gay.

7. Never wear any upper body protection other than a leather jacket. This one is mentioned twice because it is absurdly important. Don’t wear anything functional like a rain coat, or a wind breaker, or a winter coat. Or god forbid, a dead man’s black dress jacket you found in a thrifts store for super cheap because it reminds you of your dad and also makes you look like a hobo. I can’t stress this enough, you need a leather jacket even if it is stupid expensive and bought at Hot Topic. You need this genuine leather on your skin in order to look edgy. You need to spend more money on this leather jacket than you do on your friends or family. And you must wear it onstage even if it is too hot, and it makes you sweat and not play as good… and this may also kill sperm.


Heed my words, if you want to be a real punk, do not do as I have done… even though I have relatively good success with it my whole life.

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